Hiyah blogger and readers. What be happenin,' yo?!? Today is Saturday (July 24, 2010) and I am laying on my air mattress, with my AC unit going at full blast and a box fan blowing on me. Yeah, it's hot. I watched the final episode of one of my favorite tv shows ("Supernatural"), surfed the web, listened to music, and drank a can of Cherry Coke. After all of that, I picked up a book that I bought a few weeks back but never got around to reading called IT'S KIND OF A FUNNY STORY. And that book is where I really want to start the bulk of this blog entry.

In the book, you have a boy named Craig who is depressed and feels that he is not good enough and never will be, but doesn't understand why he feels like this. He also sees around him that his friends and peers are happy and have a meaning to their lives, and he craves that with all of his being. He senses something is wrong inside of him, but doesn't know what it is or how to fix it.

Right now, I am at the part where he is talking about when everything changed from being a happy kid to a depressed, lonely individual. While reading the 102 pages (where I am at now), I felt like I was reading my own thoughts on paper. People around me constantly say, "You will be happy if you get out more." "You need to love yourself." "You need to go out and meet people." "All you do is complain and I don't know what you want that you think will make you happy." All good points and valid responses. Problem is, depression is not that simple. Do I want to go out and meet new people? Yes! Do I want to get out of the apartment more? Yes! Do I want to love myself? Yes!

Problem is, I keep mentally telling myself that there is no point in trying, or doing, any of that. For example - why go outside and meet new people when all they are going to do is see how fat/ugly you are and that you are irritating and boring. Now, do I *want* to think that? Of course not. Do I really think this scenario would actually happen if I went out and met new people? Not really. So, why do I think it and why do I let it rule me? No clue.

Another thing with depression, is that your initial gut reaction is to blame those around you as well as blame yourself more than you need to. As a personal example: I have had people who I thought were good friends that just one day stopped talking to me, or people ignore me all the time. In my head, I say that I am worthless and people would be happy if I died or just wasn't around them anymore. But, in the same instance, I think that those people are the reason why I feel like this; they are the ones that are preventing me from being happy. Truth is, that none of those answers are correct. But, the problem is, that it's easier for me to put that on paper (or the internet as it were) than actually believe it's true in my own mind.

I mean, the smallest thing sets me off. If people don't respond to my facebook postings, I feel that what I said was stupid or that people just don't care what I have to say. If I text someone and they don't text back, I feel as if they are annoyed with me and want me out of their life. It's so stupid but, in my head, it's solid proof of what I am feeling.

I don't know what the point of this blog entry was, but there ya have it. I am constantly depressed and I kinda wanted to let you in on a small portion of my thought process.

Until next time....

Just a head's up - this is going to be a bitchy blog entry. I am going to be complaining so if you don't want to read it, please click the "x" button to close out. Thank you for your time!


Well, first off I have been here a little over 3 months and it is not want I had hoped it would be. I hate my living situation....I don't like my job....I am too poor to go to NYC (hell, I am too poor to eat decent food sometimes)....and I don't see any of the friends I made through the internet that live up here. I had this image in my head that I would move and my new life would start where I felt loved and wanted and I would be happy, since my life in S.C. turned out to be total shit. Well, I was wrong. Completely wrong. I mean, I am glad I see people from time to time and LOVE that I have been to NYC a couple of times but.....I don't know. I wanted this dream so bad that I put every bit of my energy into what it was going to be like and now real life set in; I feel like I have no purpose now. The friends I made are drifting away from me and I hardly ever speak to them, except on a rare occasion (a few only speak to me when they want something). I've also been continuously sick since I have moved up here and that's not helping my mood. I am starting to revert back to my severe depression and I really don't want to do that, but it seem inevitable. I know the whole "You need to go out and do something." Well, I did. I moved many states away from my original destination on a whim and I am still in the same place I was mentally. I have no money to go out and live it up or the funds to spend on gas/subway rides to audition for a show. Majority of the time, I either *want* to cry or *actually* do. I honestly hate my life!

I just watched the first episode featuring the new Doctor.....the new Companion....and the new Head Writer. Here are my thoughts (SPOILER FREE!):


I just watched the episode and final verdict: 3.5 out of 5. Let me explain! There were moments of pure BRILLIANCE but then there were moments of "Oh, c'mon!" Granted, the very first episode of season 1 and David Tennant's intro are not even close to being the best in the overall cannon. It's like they wanted to say "HERE'S THE NEW DOCTOR IN ACTION" and they kinda sacrificed a little of the story to do it. But, and it's a big BUT, the parts that had nothing to do with the villain were pure amazingness.


And how was Matt Smith? I HONESTLY think he is going to be a great Doctor. He has the energy of Tennant but the stature and way of thinking as Tom Baker. I think this Doctor is the perfect hybrid of the two incarnations. And Karen Gillan as the new companion? It's a little too early but I think she is going to turn out to be great. She has a little of Donna's attitude but not as "in your face" as Donna was.

The dialogue and tone is, in my opinion, what makes this episode (and hopefully the series as a whole) brilliant. Stephen Moffat's episodes of Seasons 1-4 are standouts because of these elements. You feel for the characters and he makes you pay attention to what they are saying and how they think. There is one particular scene where the Doctor tries to remember what he saw earlier and the way it was filmed and acted was amazing.

The villain? WEAK!!! And the special effects were downright laughable. The thing that made Moffat's stories so great, was that it was minimal special effects or things you couldn't see. With this, it was special effects crazy and really fake looking. Hopefully this is not a trend with the new series.


Overall, it was a pretty good episode but no where near the caliber it needs to be. But, we have a whole season for it to get better


Ps. I am not a fan of the new intro. A little too much, I think!

It is 12:10am, so it is officially Thursday on the east coast, which means that this is the last full day that I will be living in this house. Friday, I leave to go to my grandmother's house and then, on Saturday, I am driving up to Philly where I will be starting my new life. Am I excited? Well, let me put it this way - I am too scared and nervous to be excited right now. I am scared/nervous because this will be the first time in my life where I am moving somewhere without knowing a single person in the area. Yes, I went to college, but Ashley (my ex wife) was there as well so it wasn't too hard of a transition because I knew someone. I don't know a single person in Philly or New Jersey, so I am truly alone on this adventure. Also, I am terrified about how I am going to pay for everything because I am bringing along my debts that I all ready have, and adding an apartment payment to it. I all ready know that I am going to have to get a part time job to make sure that I am not stressing out at the end of each month. Hopefully, everything works out and I will be happy. That is my main goal in all of this: to be happy. South Carolina holds too many bad memories for me, so this move is like starting a new book in the saga of DJ. Again, I just really hope it is worth it.

I have spent the day packing for the move and it looks like I haven't even made a dent in my room. The DVDs, books, and clothes are all packed but I still have to pack the small things that I am taking with me; which I will do tomorrow. I have to go into town, when I wake up, and buy scrubs for my job as well as a few other things. The money I have saved up is no longer what it was and I am incredibly sad about that. But, what can ya do? Moving isn't cheap by any stretch of the imagination. God, I hope I'm ready for all of this.

I know my blog is usually filled with me complaining and being all moody and stuff. But, this one is definitely not going to be one of those because I am in SUCH a good mood. "Why," you may ask? Because I love my friends more than I do anything else in this world and I thank God that they are in my life. I do have some "friends" that make me want to throw a kid into a shop window, but those are people that I could care less if they decide to move on without me. "Fye," I say to these folks. No, I am talking about that handful of people that are always there for me and make me appreciate being alive, no matter what is happening at any given moment. Here are my list of those folks.

1) Scott - You are my best friend and I love you so much. You, above everyone else, make me laugh the hardest and give me troubles breathing at those moments of laughter. haha. You are an amazing guy and an even more amazing friend. *HUGS*

2) Chess - We've been through a lot together and I consider you one of my closest friends. You have the kindest heart and just being around you (or seeing your fb/twitter comments) makes me smile.

3) Ashley Stevens - You are my gurl and I love hanging out with you. You make my heart burst with happiness

4) Bob - You are a laugh-a-minute, and one of my closest and dearest friends. Our conversations are definitely one for the books. YOWZA!

5) Ed - You are my long lost brother and quickly becoming a best friend. Hopefully, I will be able to move to Ohio soon and get to know you better.

6) Angel Black - What can I say about you that expresses my feelings towards you accurately?!? You made working at BMH such a joy and I love talking to you. I really miss our days of just chatting away about every subject imaginable. I miss you.

7) John - I am SOOO happy about what is going on in your life right now. You are such a sweet guy and have been there to give me advice and cyber hugs when I needed it.

8) Matthew - You are such a creative guy and I know you will go far. Just know that I am always here for you. :)


There are others but those few are the ones that make my life complete. No matter what happens in the future, you will always carry a special place in my heart. Love you!

*GROUP HUGS*

Until next time.....

As I sit here and munch on a store bought pumpkin pie and typing on this here blog, I am watching "Julie & Julia." All I have to say is that it is an AMAZING movie (well, the Julia part anyway) and I really wish I could have met this woman. If she was anything like the way she is portrayed brilliantly by Meryl Streep, than I wish I could have met this broad. According to her husband, Julia said, "This is hotter than a stiff cock," in regards to picking a cannelloni noodle out of boiling water by her hand. FREAKING HILARIOUS!!!

Also, I would love to have a relationship with someone like Julia had with her husband. What a beautiful relationship, if what was portrayed in the movie is true.

Now, for the expected downturn of mood. I checked my bank account balance earlier and I am in the negative. Not by a little, but a pretty good deal. Why? Because I don't get that much money at all and my car payment was taken out, which is $146 plus my phone bill of $78. My unemployment paycheck is only $200, which, if you add the two bills together, is over that amount. So, I was in the negative but then the next week my car insurance was taken out which put me BACK in the negative after the check was deposited into my account. The next week, another $146 was taken out for a car payment. Again, back in the negative even more. Then you have the $25-30 bank fee. I have no clue how I am going to get through this. My parents don't have money to help me, because they are having problems of their own. I hate living here but I can't move because I can't stay out of the fucking negative due to my bills I have accrued during the time of having a job and getting over 2x a week more than what I am making now. Life fucking sucks!

In the meantime, I have decided to stray away from the idea of moving out of the state until around June/July of next year. I need to save money (HA!) and try to get back on my feet a bit before venturing to a new state and life. I am trying to convince my step grandfather to let me live with them near Rock Hill, SC, where I can get two part time jobs and take my science class to FINALLY get my bachelor's degree. I haven't applied to any jobs up there yet because, without a place to stay, there is no point in having a job there. Also, there is no point in applying for jobs here, because my dad is looking for other employment in Rock Hill, so if they move, I have to move with them. Ugh, I don't know what I am going to do.

To tell you the truth, reading comments in Facebook and Twitter make me want to burst out crying. People keep putting how they are going on vacation......going shopping......going to see movies......hanging out with friends......being in shows......hell, just living life. Why can't I have that? I know people say (ad nauseam, I must add) that life is what you make of it. That is very true. BUT, unfortunately, money makes the world go 'round and you have to have it to "have a life." Some may wave their hand at that comment, but it's true. To get anywhere, you have to have money for gas; You have to have gas to drive your car; You have to have a car to go places; You have to have money to do majority of things, etc. Hell, even going downtown just to walk around, you have to have money to pay for either the parking meters or to park in a parking garage.

I know people are trying to comfort me by saying that everything will get better and life could be worse (both are very true statements), but, honestly, saying these things to someone in the middle of a shit storm is like giving an ipod to a deaf person. Great gesture from the person, but ultimately not going to help. That may sound evil and bitchy, but it's the truth. What I am going through may not seem like a big deal to some that are battling cancer or losing their homes, but to me, it seems like it's the end of the world. I just want to know when I am going to catch a break!?!? For two years now, I have lost a wife, a home, a job, a great friend (we are still friends but no where as close as we once were), and I am broke as hell. I am honestly not ready for life to throw another thing at me. I am barely keeping it together as it is and I'm becoming more and more secluded from my friends because I can't face hearing them talk about how great their lives are going. Also, I can barely hold back the tears. In fact, I am crying as I type this. Come on life....give me something soon that will make me happy, because I feel that I deserve at least something small.

Well, "Julie & Julia" is over and now I have to find something else to watch.

Until next time.......