Hiyah blogger and readers. What be happenin,' yo?!? Today is Saturday (July 24, 2010) and I am laying on my air mattress, with my AC unit going at full blast and a box fan blowing on me. Yeah, it's hot. I watched the final episode of one of my favorite tv shows ("Supernatural"), surfed the web, listened to music, and drank a can of Cherry Coke. After all of that, I picked up a book that I bought a few weeks back but never got around to reading called IT'S KIND OF A FUNNY STORY. And that book is where I really want to start the bulk of this blog entry.

In the book, you have a boy named Craig who is depressed and feels that he is not good enough and never will be, but doesn't understand why he feels like this. He also sees around him that his friends and peers are happy and have a meaning to their lives, and he craves that with all of his being. He senses something is wrong inside of him, but doesn't know what it is or how to fix it.

Right now, I am at the part where he is talking about when everything changed from being a happy kid to a depressed, lonely individual. While reading the 102 pages (where I am at now), I felt like I was reading my own thoughts on paper. People around me constantly say, "You will be happy if you get out more." "You need to love yourself." "You need to go out and meet people." "All you do is complain and I don't know what you want that you think will make you happy." All good points and valid responses. Problem is, depression is not that simple. Do I want to go out and meet new people? Yes! Do I want to get out of the apartment more? Yes! Do I want to love myself? Yes!

Problem is, I keep mentally telling myself that there is no point in trying, or doing, any of that. For example - why go outside and meet new people when all they are going to do is see how fat/ugly you are and that you are irritating and boring. Now, do I *want* to think that? Of course not. Do I really think this scenario would actually happen if I went out and met new people? Not really. So, why do I think it and why do I let it rule me? No clue.

Another thing with depression, is that your initial gut reaction is to blame those around you as well as blame yourself more than you need to. As a personal example: I have had people who I thought were good friends that just one day stopped talking to me, or people ignore me all the time. In my head, I say that I am worthless and people would be happy if I died or just wasn't around them anymore. But, in the same instance, I think that those people are the reason why I feel like this; they are the ones that are preventing me from being happy. Truth is, that none of those answers are correct. But, the problem is, that it's easier for me to put that on paper (or the internet as it were) than actually believe it's true in my own mind.

I mean, the smallest thing sets me off. If people don't respond to my facebook postings, I feel that what I said was stupid or that people just don't care what I have to say. If I text someone and they don't text back, I feel as if they are annoyed with me and want me out of their life. It's so stupid but, in my head, it's solid proof of what I am feeling.

I don't know what the point of this blog entry was, but there ya have it. I am constantly depressed and I kinda wanted to let you in on a small portion of my thought process.

Until next time....