It's 4:55am and I am still awake. Yeah! I am so over this insomnia bullcrap.

But, anyway. It's been a while since I have updated my blog and nothing really has been happening during that month. Just me laying in my bedroom all day, every day, looking and applying for jobs that no one is calling me back about. So, I continue to look and collect unemployment.

The thing I have noticed a lot of lately, is that I am getting more and more jealous of other people to the point of me getting upset. I posted a video on facebook today of a song from the tv musical movie, "A Christmas Carol" and someone remarked that they were in the show. I, literally, got so mad I had to walk away from the computer. Why? I am so tired of hearing about people being in shows and auditioning and I don't have that opportunity. The nearest theatre to me is almost an hour away and I don't have the money for gas to go there if I am cast in a show. I am tired of listening to people doing things that I want to do and can't. A lot of my friends live in, and around, NYC and I read their posts about going to a Broadway show or going to Times Square. I have been wanting to go to NYC since I was 13 and have yet to do it because I have no money. It all boils down to money and I am sick and tired of not having any. All of my unemployment checks pretty much go to bills, leaving me with almost nothing since my money has been cut a great deal from when I had a job.

I am just so tired of reading/hearing that people are living their lives and doing what they love while I sit in my room and listen to my damn parents argue every two seconds and staring at my computer screen because I don't have the means to go out and do anything other than see a movie once in a while. And, on top of that, I am so tired of hearing/seeing people talk about going out and doing stuff with their friends/significant others. I am literally sick of being alone. It's been just me for 2 years (minus a couple of months when I was dating) and I want someone, anyone, to be around me to hang out with; to laugh with; to go driving around with, etc. Being alone fucking sucks and it's worse now that I don't have a job to take my mind off of it for a while.

My friend posted something on Facebook to the degree of God sometimes put storms in your life for you to learn something. My question back to him was, "What is my lesson, then, and when is it going to be over? I think it's gone on for long enough." Granted, I am not sick, homeless, being beaten, etc. that are A LOT worse than what I am going thru, but it is still my own personal storm of loneliness, depression, jealousy, etc. I am dealing with and it's been 2 years now. When the hell is it going to be my turn to be happy again? After 27 years, when I am going to finally be content with life and able to say, "I love my life?" I don't even know who the hell I am. I am what other people think of me, and that is not a way to be, but right now that is how I see myself.

Okay, enough of this depressing bullshit. I am off to bed. Goodnight!